Those experiencing death and/or illness are in need of support from others.
A few ways you can be supportive of someone who is grieving is by...
Being a good listener. Sometimes the best thing you can offer to someone who is grieving is to listen. Assure the person that it is okay to talk about his or her feelings. Although you cannot erase the pain of the bereaved person’s loss, you can provide a great deal of comfort by being there to listen.
Respecting the person’s way of grieving. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Everyone grieves in his or her own way. The sadness of loss, however, is universal.
Accepting mood swings. Be aware that a grieving person will have emotional ups and downs. Grief is often described as an emotional roller coaster. Someone who has just lost a loved one may feel fine one moment and overcome with emotion the next. This is a normal part of the grieving process.
Avoid giving advice. It is best to avoid making suggestions about what the bereaved person should or shouldn’t do. Such advice is usually well-meant, but it may make the bereaved person feel worse. Instead, let the person know that you recognize how great his or her loss is. For example, you might say, “This must be a difficult time for you,” or “How painful this must be for you and your family.”
Staying connected and available. There is no timetable for grief. People who are grieving need time to heal, so be patient. Let the bereaved person know that you will check in often. Even if he or she is not yet ready to talk or to be around others, simply knowing you’re there can be very comforting.
Offering words that touch the heart. It’s natural to struggle with finding the right words. Simple words are often the best. For example, say: “I’m so sorry for your loss. How can I help?” No matter how unsure you may feel about the support you are offering, what matters most is that you are genuinely concerned and want to help. The bereaved person will likely appreciate your sincere efforts to be supportive.
The Five Stages of Grief
The Five Stages of Grief (Kübler-Ross model) theorized by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross explains the cognitive/emotional process of those who are grieving. Each individual will spend different lengths of time in each stage and express each stage with differing levels of intensity. The five stages do not have to occur in a specific order and there may be movement between stages.
1. Denial
A common defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock of the loss, numbing us to our emotions. We block out the words and hide from the facts. We start to believe that life is meaningless, and nothing is of any value any longer. For most people experiencing grief, this stage is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain.
2. Anger
As the painful reality reemerges so does the intense emotion that is deflected from our vulnerable core and redirected/expressed instead as anger. The individual may have irrational anger directed at the dying or deceased loved one because they may resent the person for causing pain or for leaving.
3. Bargaining
The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control through a series of “If only” statements. Some may find themselves making a deal with God or a higher power in an attempt to postpone the inevitable and the accompanying pain. As well as guilt facilitated by believing there was something that could have been done differently to have helped save the loved one.
4. Depression
The reaction to practical implications relating to the loss brings the individual to a deep depression of sadness and regret. This phase may be eased by simple clarification and reassurance. We may need a bit of helpful cooperation and a few kind words.
Another type of depression some experience is more subtle and private. A quiet preparation to separate and to bid our loved one farewell.
5. Acceptance
This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm. This is not a period of happiness and must be distinguished from depression. Those who are terminally ill or aging appear to go through a final period of withdrawal. The dignity and grace shown by our dying loved ones may well be their last gift to us.
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